My husband, Mark, regularly asks me a very simple question: “Can I take this off your plate?” Almost every single time, before I’ve even had a chance to think about it, I hear myself answer, “No, don’t worry, I’ll just do it myself.” It happens with the laundry because I refuse to risk a shrunken favourite shirt, and for years it happened constantly in my business. If you’ve ever wondered why is it so hard to delegate, even when someone is standing right in front of you offering to help, I want you to know that you are far from alone, and that the answer probably isn’t the one you’ve been told.
I hear some version of this from my clients almost every week. Sometimes it sounds like “I can figure that out by myself,” and even more often it sounds like “I should be able to figure that out by myself.” On the surface it looks like independence, and honestly, we celebrate it, but I started to wonder what it was actually costing us. So for the very first guest episode of Not To Call You Out, But…, I invited Alina Rokhman, a Registered Psychologist and the owner of Exhale Psychology Group in Calgary, to help us look at what’s really going on underneath.
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What Does “I’ll Just Do It Myself” Really Mean?
For many capable women, delegation is hard because the struggle is rarely about the task itself. It usually comes from a deeper core belief, such as tying your worth to being productive and independent, using control as a way to manage anxiety, or learning from past experiences that other people can’t be relied on. Doing everything yourself can quietly become a way of avoiding the uncomfortable emotions that come with letting go.
The usual explanation we hear in entrepreneurship is that we simply don’t trust anyone else to do it as well as we would. Alina gently challenged that idea. When a woman tells her she can figure it out herself, her question isn’t whether she can, but whether she should, whether she always has to, and whether she could sometimes choose not to. When that belief becomes rigid and non-negotiable, it’s a sign that something deeper is worth exploring. In my own coaching, I call this finding I call this finding the thing behind the thing.
The Three Patterns Alina Sees Most Often
Alina described three common roots behind the urge to do everything alone. For some women it comes down to self-worth, because being capable and independent is what makes them feel valuable. For others it’s about control, where managing one thing perfectly helps the rest of life’s chaos feel a little less overwhelming. And for some, it truly is about trust, because they’ve been let down before. I personally live in that first bucket, since being the capable one was my whole identity growing up, and it was how I knew I was good enough.
Why Is It So Hard to Delegate When You’re Capable of Doing It All?
This is the part of the conversation where Alina called all of us out, in the most loving way. She pointed out that when we romanticize being the woman who can do it all, we often end up burning ourselves out while resisting the very support that could help us. Letting go of control might bring up anxiety, and letting someone else take a task might leave us disappointed or frustrated if it doesn’t go the way we hoped. Doing everything ourselves can become a way of avoiding all of those feelings.
She asks her clients a question that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about. Would you rather feel temporarily anxious, disappointed, or annoyed, or would you rather live with long-term resentment, burnout, and overwhelm? Both options are uncomfortable, but only one of them is short-lived.
Making Values-Based Decisions
Alina shared that two of her biggest values are her career and her family, and that they sometimes compete, as they do for so many working women. She works as little as possible on weekends so she can be present with her family, even if that means occasionally walking into a messy Monday. She tolerates that discomfort because it’s a conscious, values-based choice. She also reminded me that this isn’t about waiting until you feel ready or confident, because readiness and confidence tend to show up after you act. It’s about willingness.
Where Is the Line Between Healthy Independence and Hyper-Independence?
I’ll be honest, I lean toward hyper-independence almost all the time. Alina was quick to point out that the fears behind it, like “no one else can do it right” or “if I stop doing everything, I’ll stop doing anything at all,” are classic black-and-white thinking. She’s not suggesting that any of us stop being productive or capable. The real question is whether you can be flexible, recognize that you’re in a busy season, and allow yourself to be supported. If the thought of relying on someone brings up anxiety or guilt, your independence may have become a little too rigid to keep serving you.
She used my laundry situation as an example. If I’m drowning and Mark is offering to help, I can show him how I want it done once or twice, rather than taking it all back. So many of us skip this step because teaching someone feels like more mental load than doing it ourselves, but delegation is really about creating systems, and people need the opportunity to practise.
What Hiring My VA Taught Me About Letting Go
When I hired my VA, Hannah, I felt so much anxiety and overwhelm. Every question she asked reminded me of one more thing I had to teach her, and part of me wondered whether it was worth it. It took roughly a month and a half to find our rhythm, and now she knows my processes, my preferences, and even how I write. Because she had previously worked as a podcast manager, she took the reins on this show, which means this podcast would not exist without her. As a business coach for female entrepreneurs, I’d argue that learning to rely on people is almost a required skill if you truly want to scale, and sometimes someone else can do a thing far better than we can.
Why Receiving Support Is Part of Connection
Alina explained that many of these patterns form in childhood. Maybe you grew up with unreliable adults, maybe you were the eldest daughter who had to mature quickly, or maybe, like Alina, you were an only child who became independent earlier than you needed to. The tricky part is that those beliefs follow us into adulthood, even when we’re now surrounded by people who genuinely want to show up for us. When we always need to be the one who’s needed, we rob ourselves of feeling loved and supported, and we rob the people around us of the chance to show us that love. Connection is one of my core values, and this was the moment in the conversation that nearly made me tear up.
How to Start Delegating When It Feels Uncomfortable
Alina’s advice is to begin with awareness and then start very small, much like the gradual exposure used in therapy. Here’s what that can look like in your week.
- Ask yourself what delegating brings up for you emotionally, rather than focusing only on the task.
- Name the specific story behind your discomfort, whether it’s a fear of being let down, a history of unreliable people, or a sense that your purpose depends on doing it all.
- Choose one low-stakes task that wouldn’t be devastating if it didn’t go perfectly.
- Hand that task off and take the time to teach it once or twice instead of taking it back.
- Notice whether you feel anxious, frustrated, or uncomfortable, and let that feeling be there without jumping in to regain control.
- Ask yourself whether the feeling is pointing to a real threat or a perceived one, and remember that anxiety often simply means you care.
The goal isn’t to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings. As Alina put it, emotions are messengers, and learning to listen to them and respond in a healthy way is what helps you become more flexible and more comfortable receiving support over time.
This is exactly the kind of work we do inside the Evolving Entrepreneur, where we look past the to-do list to the belief that’s quietly running the show. Alina also said that every entrepreneur deserves a team around them, whether that’s a therapist, a coach, or a group of business owners who truly get it, which is the heart of the F-YES Mastermind. And if you’d rather go deeper on your own patterns with individual support, 1:1 coaching gives us the space to do that.
Frequently Asked Questions About Delegation
Why is it so hard to delegate as a female entrepreneur?
Many women entrepreneurs have tied their sense of worth to being capable and self-sufficient, so handing work to someone else can feel like losing part of their identity. Others use control to manage anxiety or have been let down in the past. The task is rarely the real issue, and the belief underneath it usually is.
What is hyper-independence?
Hyper-independence is a rigid need to handle everything on your own, even when support is available and would genuinely help. It often develops from early experiences where relying on others didn’t feel safe. The key sign is that accepting help brings up anxiety, guilt, or discomfort.
What if teaching someone feels like more work than doing it myself?
It usually is more work at first, which is why it helps to think of delegation as delayed gratification. Teaching a task once or twice builds a system that frees up your time for months or years to come. In my experience, the learning curve was short compared to the time it gave back.
How do I know if my independence has become unhealthy?
Ask yourself whether you could choose to accept help during a busy season. If the answer is yes, your independence is likely flexible and healthy. If relying on someone feels impossible or deeply uncomfortable, it may be worth exploring what’s underneath that reaction.
Choosing Support on Purpose
The biggest lesson I took from this conversation is that strength isn’t measured by how much you can carry on your own. Honesty, for me, means being willing to look at what’s actually happening, and sometimes what’s happening is that “I’ll just do it myself” has stopped protecting us and started keeping us stuck. When we choose support on purpose, we get our time back, and we also make room for the connection we’ve been craving all along.
Listen to the full episode above, and if Alina’s perspective resonated with you, you can find her at Exhale Psychology Group or on Instagram at @exhale.psychology. And whenever you’re ready to stop carrying it all alone in your business, I’d love to support you inside the Evolving Entrepreneur, the F-YES Mastermind, or 1:1 coaching.
